Five Years

Roch James Hannasch 12/15/63 - 2/1/13

February 1, 2018

“As a servant, you don’t get to pick and choose when or where you will serve.  Being a servant means giving up the right to control your schedule and allowing God to interrupt it whenever he needs to.  If you will remind yourself at the start of every day that you are God’s servant, interruptions won’t frustrate you as much, because your agenda will be whatever God wants to bring into your life.  Servants see interruptions as divine appointments for ministry and are happy for the opportunity to practice serving.”

-A Purpose Driven Life

Five years.  It is so hard to believe that today we hit the 5-year mark since Roch left us.  There are times when it feels like yesterday – and other times when it feels like a lifetime ago.  I can still hear his deep voice as he would lector at Mass, share a story or say something ridiculously punny.  Though you would seldom hear that beautiful voice in song because, according to Roch, he would always sing solo – ‘so low’ that you couldn’t hear him. Oh, how I miss his sense of humor.

And I miss going to church with him. Or camping. Or sharing stories about our day or the kids’ accomplishments.  I miss tripping over his size 13 shoes sitting in the entry way or his boxer shorts lying on the bedroom floor.  I miss making him his favorite cherry pie and beef enchiladas.  I miss him making me omelets.  I miss the scenty aroma of his aftershave.  I miss praying with him.  I miss going for long walks in the gently falling snow and the nights spent sitting in front of the fireplace or fire pit.  I miss him encouraging me to be all that I could be.  I miss sharing the inside jokes that only he and I understood. I miss having him sit around with us as we enjoy family time. I know that many of you who’ve shared a campsite or hotel room with him will find this hard to believe, but I even miss his snoring as he laid next to me each night.

But while I miss so much, my heart is also so filled with gratitude.  We squeezed more love and more laughter in our 31 years together than most couples get to experience in a lifetime. And it was his constant faith in me and in God that has always given me the courage to carry on.  His life and how he lived it - fully lived it even unto death - are the ultimate reminders to me that although God might interrupt our lives, and have it take a detour from the way we planned, there is nothing that we don’t do for the service of others and the glory of God.

As a family we’ve come a long way in 5 years.  I continue to be so proud of our kids and all they’ve become.  Each and every day I see Roch shine through them and my heart smiles.  They’ve all grown into such amazing, compassionate and responsible adults.  They’ve excelled in their jobs and have all formed some incredible, lifelong friendships.  We’ve overcome health challenges together and over the last 5 years, some of us have become on again/off again housemates, study buddies and orthodontic partners.  We’ve become best friends.  My heart is full.

It’s been a 5-year journey of interruptions as I found myself ‘un-becoming’ who I thought I should be and ‘becoming’ who God truly desired me to be as I journeyed on without Roch.  This 5-year journey found me participating in CPE (a chaplain internship), becoming involved in Cursillo, traveling to Haiti, finishing out my childcare career after 23 years and 70 children, volunteering numerous hours at various non-profits including CaringBridge and St. Joe’s, attaining my pastoral ministry certificate and finally obtaining a new job in ministry.  It has been a 5-year journey full of interruptions and detours that has led me to the most amazing places where I have met some of the most beautiful people and I've made my own lifelong friendships. Oh, how I wish Roch were along for the ride. 

This fall’s interruption led me to the Director of Pastoral Care position at St. John Neumann in Eagan.  Somehow, I knew from the onset that this is what God has been preparing me for all along.  After so much wandering and wondering these last 5 years, it all finally came full circle.  In hindsight, all the hard work, all the detours, and all the interruptions over the last 5 years seem to have been Divine intervention as God was preparing me for just this opportunity to serve at SJN.  My heart is full.

But this wasn’t the only mission that God was calling me to this fall.  Along with starting a new job, I was also starting the last year of a 3-year term on the parish council at St. Joe’s and the time had come for me to step up as chair.  God seems to have Roch’s sense of humor and decided it would be interesting to throw this challenge into the equation – especially since my work duties at SJN and my council duties at St. Joe’s often both occur on the same evenings.  I have to admit, it's been a challenging year on many levels as parish council chair but I’ve been so blessed as I watch all the commissions and ministries at St. Joe’s continue to thrive as these faith filled commission members and ministry leaders constantly says Yes to God through prayer, worship and service.  A true place to witness that an interruption in plans is simply an opportunity to serve in another way as these hard working volunteer servant leaders work so tirelessly and collaboratively for the good of all.  My heart is full.

But God still wasn’t done with me.  Is God ever?!  Studying at St. Kate’s turned out to be one of God’s biggest interruptions in my plans during the last several years that I wasn’t planning on but found I thoroughly enjoyed.  Although several of my classes for the pastoral ministry certificate were grad level classes,  I’ve never actually finished my undergrad.  Life way back when, while I was attending Winona State, got interrupted (imagine that!) and I found myself at a trade school instead and I went on to become a travel agent for many years.  Life took many twists and turns after that and although I thought about returning to get my degree over the years, it never was in God’s plans.  God gave me a degree in life instead presenting me a variety of opportunities for growth over the years.  I wouldn't trade those experiences for anything as they brought me to where I needed to be while journeying with Roch.  Having completed the certificate program last spring, I hung up my backpack for good – only to have God whisper in my ear, "Don't stop now."  

So, in August, I re-enrolled in classes and am continuing to work towards finishing a theology degree.  I’ve got all the theology credits that I need for the degree but what I am missing are those all essential courses.  You know the ones . . . like phy ed (at least that's what we used to call it!).  So I accepted the challenge.  Never to be far from my mind, it seems God has Roch’s sense of humor for I made the dean’s list once again this fall.  It didn’t surprise me to make it in my theology classes as they were truly a work of heart.  But this semester I made the dean’s list taking Exercise Science as one of my classes.  Yes, me - I got an 'A' in phy ed!  Who would have thought?! Roch must just be rolling on heaven's floor laughing at the irony of this former cheerleader "girly girl" of his making the grade!  And if you are counting - that was classes this fall on top of a new job and my duties as chair of parish council.  Trust me, there was never a dull moment.  And I loved every minute of it. Spring semester started 4 days ago and I’m still all in.  My heart is full.  

And through it all the last 5 years,  I have been blessed to be presented with many interruptions and opportunities to still keep my heart connected with those I love and treasure as I managed to share in some beautiful and meaningful times with family and friends.  Those times are cherished more than you can possible imagine.  Thank you for your part in that.  God is good.  My heart is full.

And yet, I would give all these interruptions – all these blessings to serve others (including the new job, parish council and St. Kate’s) - up in a heartbeat to have Roch back with us.  But, as Roch would say, it is what it is.  We can’t go back.  We can only go forward.  I only pray that in all my growing, wandering and ‘un-becoming’ over the last 5 years that I’ve made Roch as proud as he always made me.

Five years.  A journey of loss.  A journey of hope.  A journey full of interruptions.  Roch received the ultimate Divine appointment and served us all by showing us what it truly means to walk with faith even unto death.  Not a day goes by that I don’t miss him deeply.  Not a moment goes by that I don’t feel him near.

              “Death cannot stop true love. All it can do is delay it for a while.”                                                                                ~The Princess Bride

Eternal rest grant unto him, O Lord, and let perpetual light shine upon him. May the souls of the faithful departed, through the mercy of God, rest in peace. Amen.